You're engaged!!! (Congrats!) But amid all the excitement, you might run into a phrase that throws you for a loop: "Just do whatever you want, honey." While it sounds supportive on the surface, it can leave you feeling like you're planning a solo event. And it might not even be true! You know they have opinions, and you want to include them in the planning and make sure your wedding reflects both of you.

Play to their Strengths

Let them focus on what's interesting to them! If they like managing the logistics, let them handle the budget and coordinate venue tours. If they are deeply invested in getting a good meal out of the day, let them take the lead on menu planning and cake flavors. If their priority is seeing the people they love, have them be in charge of coming up with how they want to include those people on wedding day. If they love a good dance party, they can help pick out the perfect DJ and plan the dance floor.

Keep in mind that some people love to get into the small details, and others would prefer to help out with the big picture stuff, and that's okay! Some couples take turns curating short lists of 2-3 options, and then decide together from the short list.

Get Specific with Questions

Rather than lots of super open ended questions, which can get overwhelming quickly, try to get specific with your questions, while still leaving room for something besides "yes/no/I don't know/I don't care" as an answer. And ask them one or two at a time, rather than bombarding them! Here are some more examples of questions that might be helpful for you to ask them:

What's important to them on wedding day?

Have they been to a friend/family member's wedding before? (What did they like/not like?)

Who are the most important people to them on wedding day?

How do they want to spend time with them?

What do they like to wear/What will they be comfortable in for dress clothing?

What are some options for attire that will make both of you happy?

What kind of food do they like?

What desserts do they like?

Would they prefer a DJ or a band?

Do they want to see you before the aisle, or at the aisle?

Do they want to spend most of the day with you? Or is the anticipation part of the fun?

Are there any specific things they don't want on wedding day?

Offer Curated Options

Sometimes wedding planning can be overwhelming — and sometimes they just know that you'll have a strong opinion, and don't want to bother or upset you. Both of these issues can be fixed by offering them a smaller selection of options to choose from for some of the wedding planning. Let's be clear: there's no need to treat your partner like a toddler. Everyone knows when they're being given fake choices, or when there's only one correct answer. But asking them to help you find "a wedding cake" or "the venue" leaves a lot more room for overwhelm and mutual frustration than "Would you be willing to set up a cake tasting for us? These two bakeries have flavors we both like" or "Can you help me find an indoor wedding venue with big windows near my mom's house?" narrows down what you want enough that they might feel more open to sharing their thoughts.

Give them Creative Freedom

There are few things more frustrating than being asked to do something, putting time and effort into doing it, and then having the person essentially say "Not like that!" and micromanage you about it. If you really want your partner to get involved in the wedding planning, you have to be willing to give them the creative freedom to actually do it.

And when they get creative with things, and make it their own? You need to be 1000% down and ready to cheer them on! You're getting married to them because you like them, and you like their sense of humor, and you like their taste and their opinions. And your wedding day should reflect both of you.